I dont want you to leave.....but i wish you the best!

love Veronica

Lucyfur, your comment turned out all black so I re-posted it so all could see below. Thank you for your support and if you want to write that letter as a comment here, maybe I'll make sure the asshole gets it anon or something (lol):

Wow. Shit. Sounds tough. It DOES however warm my heart to know that there are still people out there that care.  Too many people are losing sight of what we need instead of what we want.  I'm glad that you are going to fight this.  That is pure bullshit.  The way I see it, the actual person whose home caught on fire OBVIOUSLY doesn't care that you busted a window and saved her cat! Not to mention, it would be in-freakin-human to leave that poor feline to burn to death. Also, the way I see it, it is your life, you were not endangering the welfare of any others in the process of SAVING somethings life.  I believe that this cocksucker is scared by you getting hurt he would have to answer to any damages you would sustaine, OR he could be just a complete assfuck and is out to get you. And judging from your description it is the latter.  I would be supprised if you did not win and kudos for you for fighting for your good deed.  I think you should get together with this lady and have her testify about how much her cat means to her and how no one but you desided to do the right thing. 

Keep us updated. I think I am going to write your superviser a very nasty letter. lol.

Wow. Shit. Sounds tough. It DOES however warm my heart to know that there are still people out there that care.  Too many people are losing sight of what we need instead of what we want.  I'm glad that you are going to fight this.  That is pure bullshit.  The way I see it, the actual person whose home caught on fire OBVIOUSLY doesn't care that you busted a window and saved her cat! Not to mention, it would be in-freakin-human to leave that poor feline to burn to death. Also, the way I see it, it is your life, you were not endangering the welfare of any others in the process of SAVING somethings life.  I believe that this cocksucker is scared by you getting hurt he would have to answer to any damages you would sustaine, OR he could be just a complete assfuck and is out to get you. And judging from your description it is the latter.  I would be supprised if you did not win and kudos for you for fighting for your good deed.  I think you should get together with this lady and have her testify about how much her cat means to her and how no one but you desided to do the right thing. 

Keep us updated.

I think I am going to write your superviser a very nasty letter. lol.

you dont scare me and I know exactly what I want....why would I tell you lies?? 

At least we'll know each other in hell then.. I'll see you there.. later or sooner.

I just wanted you to know that I read every one of your entries, even if I don't comment. I have been where you are. I have struggled with so many life issues, struggling with religion and my life in general and somewhere along the way, I became more and more lost. There is no turning back for me. I wait for that day, when I will die, and I will be taken to an unknown and probably hellish place. So...I know that this is depressing, but I just wanted you to know, that you aren't alone.

Thank you, Jam. That really means the most to me right now that people are thinking of me. You take the time to read my rants and raves with an understanding yet hopeful type of comment. So thank you, I really mean that.

I wish I had friends that would call or stop by but I don't have that luxury. This will have to do for now. And yes, I have seriously thought of changing careers. That would make an interesting journal entry... hmmmm

Thanks Stars.. I hope she realizes it too. Nice to see your still here

Well, MT - I suppose a great deal of that depends on you...

WOW

[HurtingTruth]

Well, my wish never came true but I'm used to that by now. Thanks for the comments though, Jam.

[Wizrah]

Happy Birthday Wiz...I hope your day is good and positive..I hope it surprises you in a good way.  Your poem was very emotional and sad.  I can feel your pain.  What you've endured in the past can't be taken away..you can't change it..but you can open your life to new beginnings and make it a happier one..YOU have that ability..you can't not torture yourself over your past losses...Remember the good memories and put the bad ones locked away..compartmentalize your emotions..program your mind to see through the darkness and onto the good.  No one can make you happy unless you want to be...I believe you want to be happy..you just have to take that extra step within yourself.  All those people that left you..F**K them!  Make new memories...make new friends...You can do it!  I believe in you ....wiz!!! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR WIZRAH..HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!...there that's your lounge song for today..all about you!
Jam

Beautifully tragic.

They say being crazy is better then being sane. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. I have experienced crazy freedom and crazy madness. I hope that you are headed for crazy freedom, cuz crazy madness, is hell. Absolute hell.

MT (and anyone else) I need all the support and help I can get right now. I'd be honored if you want to leave your email.. or if its uncomfortable on a public forum.. you could email it to me on a PM on the message board (just let me know here if you do so then I'll check it). 

I'm afraid (seriously afraid) that when 'the next one' hits.. whether its another death or something just as horrible.. that I will finally snap and that will be the end of me.. in one way or another. :(

Wiz-----Ragnus will not win this war...he is taking over..but you will not give in to it..I actually tried to post a comment yesterday, but for some reason MDD went down for a few hours...I want you to know that I did read your entire entry and I can feel your pain and frustration...in regards to your mother, I can tell there was so much love there for her and still so much pain..your brother and you share a bond now, you will get through this...being with your father is one of the hardest things you will go through.  I have been there so I know exactly how you feel.  Before my father passed it was like all the life of him had left...he want from being this 300lb strong man to a 140lb weak person I didn't know.  He aged 20 years within a few months...I knew he was suffering but I didn't him to go..I was selfish.  I remember all the things he taught me, being strong, doing my best, being a great mother..ect and that is what keeps me going.  Your father taught you so many things you should cherish.  HE WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO GIVE UP (nor would your mother).  He did not teach you to be a quitter even when times are tough...

You know that saying...bad things come in 3's...well unfortunately it all happened to you in a matter of a week.  I wish I could be there for you on the level you need.  I may only be words on your screen...black and white...but I am here for you...you are not alone.  Your ex..hmm..that's tough..she is under the spell of an abusive man...she is blinded by his kindness when all she is used to feeling hurt and scared.  There is nothing you can do to make her see the awful person he is..she has to go through that herself..what you can do is be there for your kids...You are stronger than you know.. I would want to take my kids out of that house.  I know she probably has full custody but they are in a dangerous situation...You have to not only stay strong for yourself but for your kids...Think of all the wonderful things your father taught you..it's time to teach them...make that your driving force...your inspiration...

I'm sorry if I am rambling...I hope you are better today...I am here for you...you are a special person and your time here is not up!  Wizrah will win this battle!!  Believe in yourself.
Jam

SteeleBlack - just knowing that you've read my journals and care on some level is enough for me right now. There's a couple others here that seem to have crossed that same line and if nothing else then at least some people somewhat understand. Misery may love company but I'd rather be miserable with my MDD fans than all alone.. which is normally what I feel like. I don't think there is a way out anymore and the only place to go for me is further down.

If you or anyone wants to leave their email info - and you feel comfortable in doing so - I would deeply appreciate the offer to at least have a couple friends in this horrible world.

There are people here for you...that are not scared of you or your thoughts who come back everyday waiting to hear how you are doing.  I am so sorry that you are going through this with your father.  I have been in your shoes...I sat by his bedside when all the life left him.  I think a lot of my life left as well....I will never be the same..but I got through it even though I think of my father every single day....he would not want me to give up.  You will find that person that will see through your anger for what it really is.  That one person that will be able to look you in the eyes and know exactly what you are thinking.....one day....but you can't be in the state of mind that you are in now.. you must let someone in to love you...and you will...in time...thinking of you and praying for your father.
Jam

Hey Wiz - first of all - as all of your friends will have been - prayers going up for strength for yourself and your family.

I know it seems sometimes that saying what is on your mind and/or in your heart can appear to be a weakness - especially when dark - it is actually one of your greatest strengths. I use my diary to shout and scream in silence - look back at it - laugh at some parts of myself - accept other parts. I know you will probably understand the following words a wrote a little while ago - some for myelf - some for a friend!

A search for understanding and caring,
Always there but so hard to see sometimes - mainly seeing anger and raw emotion.
Pain covered with a fake smile
Donning a mask that is now a second skin,
Never running away fast enough nor crying loud enough.
Pleading screams within the eyes forever remaining silent and unanswered.

Slowly but surely you begin to build the foundations for a newer you,
Stronger foundations made of love and hope,
Still keeping walls erected to guard the heart and soul
Hoping someone will eventually care enough to try and break them down.
Feeling safe within a soundproofed room - somewhere to go and scream
Somewhere to release the torment within the mind,
Slowly realising and accepting that you are not crazy at all and begin to make choices to gain consistency
To just get by day to day...................

The balance for any relationship - whether friends/acquaintences/lovers  - is a mixture of acceptance of the other person as they are - good and bad - it is finding someone what can accept us as we truly are that can be so so difficult.
I have found accepting myself as I am is the one thing I had to do first.

My dad had heart attacks too, the last week of his life, he
died of congestive heart failure and a brain aneurysm.  He flatlined once
during his stay..and was only alive for a few days due to machines.  My
mom was out of town when he started having symptoms...and I took him to the
doctor because he could not drive.  The ambulance took him from the
doctors office because he could not breathe on his own...and I had to meet him
down at the hospital.  He had a heart attack in the ambulance and once I
got to the hospital, a group of doctors and nurses came literally running at
me...asking me to sign forms for them to do all these things to him.  I
had just turned 22, and I was scared to death....I forgot all the emergency
phone numbers...I had forgotten my own phone number in the moment.  I
didnt know how to get ahold of my mom she was on her way to an airport (this
was before every 11 year old had a cell phone) and I didnt know what to
do.  The nurses felt so bad for me that they sent a chaplain  to calm
me down and bring me a drink.  Maybe I know what you feel...sorta.  I
had to make those decisions...and I didnt like it at all.  I remember them
carting my dad through the hall, with a tube down his throat (I dont know what
it was to this day) all I know is that there was blood running down his face
near it.  He had fought them...he didnt want the tube...I didn’t realize
how hard that would be to write…so I will stop here.  Here is me being selfish..."I wish my dad was here to see my son."  My dad made his choice and he choose to go home and live out what he had left with my mom and I.  I was angry at him, for going against what the doctors said...knowing that it would risk his life even more.  I was angry that he chose death over me.  I look back and Im not so angry now.  He could not drive anymore due to his condition, he was homebound, he was not happy.  He was hurting, and that hurt me.  I cried at the funeral and for months after...I cried and cry for me...not him.  I hurt because I miss him and things that I wanted, like him to be there for my wedding and the birth of my son...he would not be, I cry because of me.  If that makes sense at all. 



On to better things....As Kymm, in your last entry mentions...you are an
inspiration because you soldier on...She said it way better than I could. 
I think that maybe as we are both women, we see a man that has been through so
much and he still has hope.  Since I have found your diary, I have
constantly been amazed at your strength. I know that men generally do not
open up as much as women and it’s nice to see that there are men out there that
admit to their feelings. There are men,
that are just as romantic as some women…men that are caring…men that want the
same things. You give us hope too. 

Thanks Kymm, I shall look you up. One of my best friends has a son that has a hole in his heart also, and I know the pain that he went through.  I have lost a child also, and I can understand that pain.  

Wiz - hon - my heart is breaking for you. It is a very difficult position to be in - I have been there twice - with my son and my husband.
All I can say is your heart will tell you what is right - you know your dad - and therefore know what he would prefer.
I had to make the decision for my son - my baby boy - at the tender age of 6 weeks old - and I so much wanted that chance for him to live - like your father there was little chance if any he would pull through the op - and the many that would result afterwards. I let him go - the hardest thing I have ever done. I did the same with my husband for the same reasons - no/little chance of surviving the op. That was 21 years ago when I was 19. I would still make the same decision to day and I am older and a lot wiser in many ways.
The feelings you are having are natural - and the different moods and emotions will come and go and alternate - and it does get better with time - old cliche I know - it is just different amounts of time for each person.
I truly understand the need for being held and holding someone - having someone there - to touch - is so different to words on paper/a screen. I have been alone for a long time now for various reasons. I have no family so I do literally do it on my own - raising my kids - working - life in general and loneliness and feeling so damn invisible half the time.
Please check your previous entry - you may not want to contact me right now - keep them written down - you never know when you just need someone to shout and scream at - laugh and cry with - the offer will always be there - whenever you need it or just want to say 'hey'. I'm a big girl - broad shoulders and a heart enough to care - freely given and nothing wanted or needed in return.
Kymm

Hey Wiz

Haven't read your next entry yet - just about to.
You are an inspiration in that you show your feelings - so many keep them bottled up until it kills them inside. The fact you feel - although I do wish it had been for happier things - shows how alive you are - even though there have been so many times when you have not felt it. Your inspiration is your strength to go on and your strength to share. I know you get this offer so many times - but I am happy for you to contact me by email. If you would prefer a human voice so you can hear someone rather than words typed on a page - email me with your # - I would be more than happy to call you back. Your words and your heart bring people together in a common cause - friendship and caring. Great deeds do not always have to make headlines. The greatest deeds are those from the heart.

My email is: sazzikk@gmail.com
Myspace: www.myspace.com/kymm68

MT - feel free to use them too.

I'm... an inspiration to others?? You'll have to explain that one. I don't understand how I could inspire anyone probably because of that stupid argument my friend and I had b4 she died. Look what it made me and how dark I've become because of it. Is that really inspiration?? I'm not doubting either of you.. and your words are too kind actually.. I'm just curious how the condition I'm in now falls into "life goes on"..  

MT - thank you for your kind words. I do prefer the beach - I love the waves especially when a bit rough and choppy - unfortunately I live close to London so it is difficult to get peace and quiet here other than in a Church.

I love Wiz's blog - it is unusual to see a man so open with his feelings - wants - desires and heartache. The gal that gets his is indeed going to be very very lucky.

Wiz - you deserve all the love and caring in the world - keep writing - you are a true inspiration.

I am sorry my diary is on private for now - but feel free - anyone - to contact me via email or my myspace page or other pages. I will update them on my profile page now.

SteelBlack - you didn't bore me at all. You are a familiar and welcome face to me. As I re-read things.. I had the knowledge of before but not the wisdom to see what was right on the pages in front of me!! Are we all pawns in this stupid game or WTF is going on here??

Its like Frank Castle (The Punisher) says in the upcoming movie.. thinking back on all the loved ones he lost when someone tells him, "god be with you, Frank.." His reply? "Sometimes I'd like to get my hands on god." Classic.  http://www.marvel.com/movies/The_Punisher.Punisher%3A_War_Zone

Yes...I am somewhat familar with the Bible. I studied intensely for several years; the greek text in particular and I discovered the same things that you discovered. And I have to be honest, it's destroyed my relationship with God. I just couldn't accept what I knew to be the truth about him.

Only a few christians will even recognize the God of the oldtestament. Most say that that was the God of the oldtestament and that the God of the newtestament deals with us through Jesus. The fact is, God never changes. When somebody dies, guess who causes it? One of God's death angels. God is the one that gives the permission. He is the one that has our death date set. And, the one with the keys to hell and heaven is Christ. People come and go as he pleases.

I don't know much about the devil. I know one thing for sure, I'm not afraid of him anymore. I don't worry about demons and ghosts and things like that. I believe that God rules all of them too.

Get this...God loved Jacob and hated his brother Esau. Wrap your mind around that one. I've just thought of it as so unfair. He created both. Why would he reject one and not the other? And the bible even has an answer for that one. The creature has no right to question it's maker. Let me tell you...I have rebelled against God and now, at this point in my life, I don't think that God considers me to be his child.

Anyway...I hope that I didn't bore you with this info.

Alas MT, this is not the case. It's been about two weeks now since I attended the funeral of my dear friend. I spent a few days there and needed a few more days off from work once I got back. I just haven't had the mental or physical energy to do much. I really haven't felt like writing. I don't know why.  All I do know is that my head.. my heart.. my body.. my place.. they are miserable right now and gone to a pretty dark and lonely place.

[Wizrah]

this entry was simply breath taking, and you write so beautifully. to see someone with so much passion as you have...its in ever way inspiring and amazing.

as for your question, the answer is yes. all those things you look for in another can be found in a person. a person meant just for you.

-Peyton.<3

that made me smile. cats are awesome.
my boyfriend plays games all the time to escape from work issues, and it doesn't bother me, because i know that when he's done he'll put on a song i love, we'll eat and talk, then make love.

no one makes love anymore, and it makes me sad.

i enjoyed your entry thoroughly.
and she is out there!

You may not see a hero in your eyes, but I can tell you many many people see a hero in YOU.  What you did for that family and every day of your life is nothing short of heroic.  You are suffering in your heart but at that moment you made that family feel like you had nothing on your mind but saving this man's life.  You have a gift and you may not see it but it's there.  You should be proud of yourself...just like you said you may not have saved him longterm but atleast you were able to let this family come around him and be with him to comfort him and themselves...
Jam

Wow.
Giving someone the chance to say goodbye is a truly amazing gift.
I'm sorry you're lonely. I know this comment won't mean much, but it's the only thing I can do to show you that I'm thinking of you.
I feel like writing something sickingly mushy and positive, but the people who write that stuff usually piss me off and are fairly delusional too come to think about it.
So yeah, this is me not being over bearingly positive, but at the same time hoping things work out for you.

You did an amazing thing!
Luv B

Ladies.. thank you for your kind words. You treat me kinder than I deserve to be..

[Wizrah]

Losing someone close to you will never be okay.   There is nothing anyone can say to make it better.  Unless it has happened to you, you will not understand.  I have read a lot of your entries and I must say you've dealt with way more than most people.  You are stronger than you realize.  I lost my father last year and with father's day approaching it's weighing on me.  Some nights I think of him and my tears start draining me.  All I can say to you is grieve over your friend, miss her, think of her not from her death but from the life she lived.  The thoughts of her will remain with you but in time they will slowly move to the back of your brain.  Don't ever forget her or the impact she had on you.  She would not want you to slip away...
Jam

Ill be thinking of you

xxx

oh my god, that is so horrible, i am so so so sorry :(

your entry was so intense. made me cry for you and your loss

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dear friend.  Nothing about death is easy regardless if the person has an illness for months and loses their battle or is taken from us in an instant.  The pain is still there and it's hard to go on.  I lost my father last year and I still cry every time I think of him.  I would not hold on to your disagreement only b/c your friend knew you better than you may realize, she probably knew it was only a disagreement and you guys would be fine.  She wouldn't want you to give up, right?  Remember everything she was about, the happy ray of sunshine and try to be like that.  You have been through more things than the average person and look how strong you are...this is not the time to give up.  You will make it through this, if you try.
Jam

Wow, I must say, you are a hero.  Whether you are on duty or off, you saved this family from more than you realize.  What you did that night can only be called heroic.  It may have been a small fire, but you (as a neighbor and citizen) risked your life to help them.  To top it off, you found their cat..seriously that was awesome.  You definately deserve praise not repremand.  What would have happenend if someone got hurt or died and all you did was stand their watching.  I'm sorry, it doesn't seem like you are "trained" to do that.  I haven't read your previous entries yet, but what you did was more than a lot of people would have done (including your supervisor!).  I think you played a huge part in saving this family, you should be honored!
Jam

MT - Check out my very first Journal Entry here and see which song I picked..             

As for these imaginary women you talk about that want to mend hearts and don't mind baggage.. well where the heck are they?!

SteeleBlack - each comment and every word I take to heart. I don't consider you a stranger if you've been reading thus far.. and sometimes just a few simple words do wonders to the one reading them.

MT - Yes.. its Canon in D. It has to be the most beautiful song ever made and it touches my heart in places I thought had been destroyed. But I also hate it.. because it reminds me so painfully of that one time when I was so happy..

[Wizrah]

i wish he would have stopped, and i wish you would have shot him.

also i hope the lingering death feeling isn't for you, but for someone else. regardless, your idea to record your memoirs is a good idea.

Gennifer - Your words ring very true. Having someone who wants to take such a journey would be like breathing for the first time after years of drowning underwater. But knowing that and finding such a person are two different things. Nonetheles, thank you for your kind comments. You've given me something to think about.

Yes MT - we had two kids together during our marriage, they are both boys, 7 and 10 years old. Then my ex met HIM (while we we're legally still married) and they have had two kids together now. One is a 3 year old boy and they just had a baby girl last year. I agree they don't need a toxic father in their lives but I had just hoped things would work out for her and the kids.. whatever that meant.

Your story is similar to mine - just a little bit different. This reminds me of my past marriage with my ex - after we got divorced the situation seems out of hand. He threatens me that he will come and break down the door of my house and take away our 2 girls and so on. It was pretty scary. I've never knew him as a violent man for he never was. But people can changed somehow and I bare it in mind that he too is just a human being and as a human being - he can turn to monster. Like you said; you enver know what this sort of person is capable of ...

But I do hope that you can do more than just to help your ex because for as long as she lives in that place too near for that man to come nearer ... it is too dangerous. Better make a Plan B for the future. If I were to be her, I would go somewhere far away where I would start a new life; especially when you come to think about the kids, you know.

I wish you well and full of blessings & Luck! You all need this! See you again!

A pole, huh??.. hell I'm game... but I guess you'd be the only one watching.. as far as I know.. maybe a couple others here.. and you better have plenty to drink beforehand. I'll look much better then. :p

[Wizrah]

MT - Well I certainly can't have that - I'll try to do better...

[Wizrah]

Oh yes.. I certainly know that feeling all too well. Its not just romantic love but anyone you care about and give your heart to. When that part is destroyed.. how many times.. how many until we really are dead??

I don't think I could cry another tear but somehow I still do.. I guess as long as I'm feeling something that must mean I'm alive. Maybe..

.. then again I sometimes wonder if this is really hell and I just don't know it.

[Wizrah]